February 2012
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The geographic snobbery of beer.
I know I’m not in Portland anymore when I’m at a bar with only domestic light beers on tap, and the chick next to me just ordered a bud light lime.
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Do we get a discount on the sperm of a guy with a...
My very first visit to the sperm bank website and THIS is the guy I choose first?
It reads:
Any Distinguishing Features (Dimples, Cleft Chin, Roman Nose, Freckles, etc.):Some freckles; some moles; birthmark: mini third nipple (Yes, the doctor told my mom it was actually a very small extra nipple.)
Seriously, what’s the going rate on the nubbin sperm?
I mean REALLY? For these prices I...
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From the desk of a chick with giant boobs:
I bought an *almost perfect bra yesterday.
I literally told the sales girl to “help me find a bra that doesn’t feel like a torture device”.
I tried on a miserable array of giant bras, one more insanely priced than the next. A perky chick named Molly (of course) who had the perfect rack of a 14 year old was all too eager to jump in my fitting room and tug at my cleavage from...
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“Did you just write that email from inside a bottle of wine?”
– My good friend Ande (in response to my most recent correspondence)
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Side Note
My wife’s out late at a much needed big deal Netflix drunk-fest for important big deal type Netflix people.
And I’m home doing that thing where I have wine for dinner while I drunk blog like a lunatic.
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On second thought
I still haven’t had a chance to wear my Wonder Woman costume that I bought last Halloween…
Ohhhhhh the magical things that will be in our suitcase. We will NOT be carrying on.
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On the topic of lesbian lingerie:
I’ve been shopping around for something a little sexy for our mini vacation.
I browse through endless racks of lingerie and all I can think of is something like this…
Because I know what my wife likes…and there just might be an Indians jersey in my closet.
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First World Problems: Floating House Edition
When you go on vacation and you live in a regular house you have to beg/pay people to come over and feed your *angry orange cat.
*See angry cat below (you can clearly see his rage):
But when you live in a floating house on an island of bliss, before you leave for vacation you have to clean your house like a crazy person in preparation for the various people who will be oh so graciously...
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Please join me for a brief pity party on the topic...
The only thing worse than wanting to be preganant and watching every dumb chick you know from highschool get pregnanat on facebook, is wanting to be pregnant and watching every random lesbian you’ve ever known do the same thing…only in 1/3 of the time.
What? You and your GIRLFRIEND are pregnant? You’ve been together for 20 minutes?!!!!
Oh what’s that? You were wandering...
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On Raising Your Kids to Grow Up and be Assholes:
To the millions of parents who let their kids sit in restaurants with their eyes glued to whatever electronic is most popular at the time…
All you’re doing is breeding little robots who will grow up with no concept of how to act in public.
I remember being a kid and having to order my OWN food, and “look the waitress in the eye”.
Whatever happened to that?
Your kid...
On the topic of parents who let electronics parent...
thekelsmith:
I’ve never been a fan of those DVD players in cars. I made MANY five hour trips in a car as a child with nothing but books and a Walkman. We talked, sang and played games. Or we just sat in silence…alone with our thoughts and imagination.
Now that I am a Mom and have endured a few three hour rides with a 2 year old, I see the argument for those players. However, we do have a rule....
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Things that I said while high on nitrous at the...
“This is why Demi Moore likes this stuff.”
“I could use this on ANY old Tuesday.”
“Is this a whip it?”
“What kind of sissy would need numbed for THAT?!”
The dentist came in after my cleaning before starting my filling and he asked how I was, to which I replied,
“I WAS good, but now YOU’RE back.”
To which I added,
...
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Let me break this down for you technology minded...
We bought the iPad and the laptop.
The laptop is for me and I could care less if it’s a Mac, or Sony, or a Colecovision for that matter. Maybe this makes me less cool than you..but it’s the truth.
Natalie will get a Mac in the next round of big purchases.
If we were buying a kitchen appliance I would have FAR more input. Technology is pretty much irrelevant to me. I just want to be...
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First world problems...
Option 1) Buy a MacBook pro and call it a day?
Option 2) Buy the cheaper Sony laptop AND an iPad?
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Excuse me, Mrs.Wolff, I can see your CUNTry...
My wife’s obscure love for female country music singers (even though she doesn’t listen to a lick of country music) is borderline inappropriate…but I’m okay with it.
*Gwyneth Paltrow gif not entirely related but TOTALLY relevant
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I'm not all geeked up over The Voice...YOU ARE.
No really,
I literally almost cried during this nonsense.
And then Cee Lo started petting that damn cat and I started screaming like a Banshee.
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The very simple explanation of why my wife hates a...
…and I quote,
“It’s TOO HOT! Nothing needs to be THAT hot!”
She doesn’t even like a hot shower. She’s a very delicate lady.
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This time next week...
We’ll be lounging here
And drinking these
And then at night, I’ll convince my wife to get in the jacuzzi (which she hates) and we will look something FAR too similar to this
I.
Can’t.
Wait.
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Today was one of the roughest days at work that...
Yes…YEARS.
And now my wife is sleeping next to me with her arms and legs draped over me, and all the struggles from today are somehow melting away…at least for now. Also I’m a little drunk…and I ate A LOT of oven roasted peanuts, so there’s that.
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In all fairness...
The first beer of the day always tastes like heaven…as long as its not domestic light beer.
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Let it be known:
I don’t trust anyone who puts whip cream on French toast…especially if it’s coming out of a spray can.
This is me judging you.
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#diners drive in's and douche bags
“Chef” cook off shows NOT included in previous post ie. Top Chef and the like.
I’m talking about hating the FOOD and RESTAURANT shows…but having a love for the food biz so you sit through the dumbass host…you know the Guy Fieri bullshit.
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VERY IMPORTANT Food Show Talk.t
We’re watching Best Food Ever from TLC now on Netflix instant. This is the first time I have EVER (yes EVER) watched a show about food without hating the “host” or the “gimmick” or the processed food, or the “biggest possible edible (fill in the bullshit blank) in America”.
Voice-over by John Goodman.
Food made from scratch.
No obnoxious host you want...
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Solid sign I've worked in the restaurant world too...
I mindlessly refer to the pantry in my house as “dry stock” on an almost daily basis.
January 2012
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Top 100 Reasons Why We Chose to Move to Portland...
IKEA
craft beer
lesbians all over the damn place
…and repeat.
*there are some other things like food, nature, sustainability, lack of fast food and chain restaurants, as well as all kinds of hippie shit, but mainly it was the lesbians and IKEA
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Tonight in Sexy Hot Lesbian Domestic Bliss Events:
For our Monday night date, my wife and I will venture once again to the lesbian mecca…that’s right, IKEA.
While there we will shop the closet organization materials in a somewhat ironic fashion, as we we carefully document the dumb conversations overheard around us.
ie. “how do I buy this?” and “don’t you just love this so very original wall art?”
We...
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I'm so happy to have friends that have changed the...
That’s love right there.
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Honey, how was your day? Homophobic? Yeah, mine...
Last night over dinner my wife and I did the usual “how was your day” talks. And for both of us there was a common trend of bigotry.
For Natalie it was having to take over a situation in which one of her reps was attempting to handle an angry customer who was disgusted with gay & lesbian “smut” that Netflix allows on their website. By the time Natalie took over the...
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Anytime I watch Sandra Bullock in any movie I have...
I bet she smells like soap.
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On being out at work.
I have not always had the feeling of acceptance at work that I have now.
I worked as an executive training and development director for a major restaurant chain in the Midwest, and it was by far the worst experience of my adult life.
I have been asked to take off my wedding ring, refrain from mentioning my wife, refrain from mentioning my partner, refrain from mentioning my girlfriend, refrain...