March 2012
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WatchBadass Velociraptor Geese Update: Natalie didn’t get a very warm welcome either.
We’re just going to have to start carrying large amounts of emergency bread to distract them. They’re SO big. Why are they SO BIG??!!!
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WatchA moment in a life lived in a floating house. Also known as “nature is going to kill us one way or the other”.
And for the record…hell yes I ran away.
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February 2012
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You can keep your corporate ladder...
I’m really good at what I do.
Correction, I’m REALLY FUCKING GOOD at what I do.
Stick me with any restaurant division of any size and I will rise to the top in record time. I will stand out from the rest and make a name for myself. I will lead the pack before they even have time to learn my name.
I can honestly say that there is hardly a single thing I don’t know about...
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Lessons in surviving life.
Work is complete shit right now. And on top of it all I leave for two miserably long weeks to travel to fucking Utah on Sunday.
So after a long day of shit, I got in the car to head home and attempt to not think about my dumb job.
I drove my wife’s car today.
When I turned on the CD player The Humpty Dance started blaring…and just like that, all was right with the world.
*Ewok...
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Why our marriage is cool. As told by Mary Ellen...
fflowtan:
“Because here I am cooking dinner and I am out of paper towels. It’d be merited for me to say, “hey Nat. go get me some paper towels” but i don’t want to disturb you while you’re relaxing and i am not doing anything that I can’t step away from so I’ll go get myself some more paper towels.”
It’s true. She’s the coolest wife ever. That being said, I would totally go get the paper towels...
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In totally embarrassing underwear shopping...
I recently bought a boatload of new underwear at The Rack. I quickly decided that my two favorite bands are Josie, and Steve.
I spend the next two weeks searching Nordstrom online for said brands.
I find Josie, but not Steve.
At THREE different Nordstroms I ask the lingerie manager and few sales girls if they’ve seen this new line called Steve. Oddly, no one is familiar. I continue my...
The Red Carpet Weight Limit: A Maximum Without a...
Why is that it’s so easy for Hollywood to openly discuss Melissa McCarthy’s weight but GOD FORBID anyone mention the walking bag of bones that was Angelina Joile?
And why is it that nearly EVERY SINGLE time any commentator discussed Melissa McCarthy and her attire, that they would also discuss her status as a “plus size women”? One commentator repeatedly said that she was...
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I'm sitting alone in a movie theater while my wife...
Because we’re grown ups.
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On penetrating Netflix, or at least getting to...
So I’m meeting my wife at her work, and Netflix is a fortress penetrated by no one, so I’ve never been inside to see Natalie being a boss.
Well, I just happened to look in a window and there she is standing up in a room full of people clearly pissed the fuck off and making her presence known.
Like.
A.
Boss.
I had to stop myself from running up to the window and pressing my boobs...
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My wife and I are going on a suburban date...
We’re having a very processed dinner at a chain restaurant in the suburbs and then seeing a movie in an ACTUAL movie theater that serves popcorn and candy and not beer and wine like the ones we usually go to in old schools and renovated churches and such.
We will inevitably be surrounded by all sorts of people who make us feel very uncomfortable, and chew with their mouths open, and remind...
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It's 9:33pm on a Friday night.
We made tacos for dinner.
We had a few cocktails.
And now we’re snuggled into bed watching The Princess Bride because it is not cemented into my wife’s brain anywhere close to the amount it is in mine.
Also she has requested more exposure to all things Andre The Giant so that she can work on her (horrible yet adorable) impression of him.
Also we both have to work in the morning so...
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And now, some kind of tiny animals in wine glasses...
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Because not EVERYBODY loved Raymond OR Deborah for...
If you think your husband is a big dumb idiot who isn’t capable of basic tasks besides mowing the lawn and watching the tv, then maybe you shouldn’t have married him.
And if your husband thinks all you do is nag him and make him fell like the idiot that you think he is then maybe he shouldn’t have married you.
Why these two points of misery somehow make a sit-com is beyond me.
...
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Just when I'm about to delete my facebook Ned...
19 Stock Photos of Lesbians Touching Foreheads.
And for the big gay record…my wife and I touch a whole hell of a lot of things together, but our foreheads are RARELY one of them (and NO this is not a reference to the myth of scissoring as lesbian sex).
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On pasta water that tastes like the ocean...
For the alarmingly many of you who were baffled by my smug cooking tip:
When you generously salt the pasta water the pasta absorbs the salt as it boils, which adds a subtle saltiness to whatever dish you’re creating without disrupting the integrity of the flavor of your sauce.
SMUG COOKING TIP TO LIVE BY:
A truly good cook NEVER needs salt on the table.
*seriously, 14 messages on...
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Smug Cooking Tip Of The Day:
Pasta water should taste exactly like ocean water.
And if it doesn’t, then you’re wasting perfectly good pasta…and that’s a sin in some cultures (and by some I mean all).
This concludes your smug cooking tip of the day.
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Slightly Condescending Un-Recipe for my Sante Fe...
Please keep in mind…I don’t use recipes, this is as close as you get.
chop up some fresh red and green peppers, and dice some onion while you’re at it and toss in your garlic (fresh or jar minced)garlic (if you don’t have AT LEAST one of these then just stop cooking and learn from your mistakes) put that in a pan with some EVOO and saute until you can smell it
turn down...
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WatchLast night for bedtime relaxation Natalie read me the 25 best auto corrects . This was towards the end and she was laughing so hard she could barely get the words out. As for me, I had to keep getting up and going to the bathroom because I was convinced I was about to pee the bed.
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And now we're having drinks and listening to NPR...
Because we’re old.
And we’re lesbians.
And these are our golden years…and by “golden” I mean before we have kids.
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Get in my mouth.
My wife has been slow cooking jambalaya for over 8 hours and our house smells like a creole dream.
*gif not entirely unrelated
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I keep saying I'm going to start writing down my...
And then I realize I’ll be the one teaching them to cook all willy nilly with nothing but a glass bottle of wine and some Aretha Franklin on the record player.
Okay okay, so I’ll hold off on making my children drink wine…but singing along with Aretha is a key ingredient in ALL of my recipes.
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indianaminute asked: That hibachi dinner looks amazing. Any chance you'd share the sauce recipe?!? That's about the only reason I go to those places anymore! Happy Mardi Gras! :)
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I'm making hibachi dinner tonight.
I have the dipping sauces duplicated to perfection and have fresh caught shrimp ready to peel.
The best part is that we don’t have to sit uncomfortably close to horrible strangers who are easily impressed by knife skills, shrimp tossing, and small kitchen fires.
There’s just about nothing I hate more than sharing a table with a bunch of morons at a Japanese steakhouse…except...
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You know you're in Portland...
when every public restroom is pitch black and you have to find the light switch upon entering.
Because we’re all such hippies we even conserve energy in public bathrooms on an individually conscientious basis that has become the societal norm.
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WatchIf you like Frank, Natalie, or Styx you will in fact love this video.
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I am now, more than ever, convinced that every gay...
fflowtan:
Seriously awful.
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Wait…those were GAY bars we went to? Then why were all those straight people there? (see what I did there?)